One of my biggest and most persistent problems is spiritual stagnation.
I grew up in a theistic household but I wouldn’t say we were devoted. Heck, the only guarantee that you’d hear a prayer at our dinner table was if there were guests. When I went off to boarding school, aged ten, I became very religious. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and become involved in a strong, Christian culture at my school. In my last year, I started to have a crisis of faith; not necessarily in my belief in God (I almost never call God’s existence into question) but I think I developed a certain apathy concerning all matters of spirituality.
I was already feeling the emptiness which comes with backsliding but when I had to confront my sexuality a few years back, I found myself spiralling even further. My bisexuality was something that was difficult for me to deal with and I still find it hard. Even though I know God loves me, I have doubts about my sexuality and whether it’s something I can really reconcile with my faith.
In the last two years, social justice issues have become very important to me. True equality for my fellow women, my queer brethren as well as racial minorities are causes very near and dear to my heart. I find most Christians and their views on these subjects (especially homosexuality) very problematic [Sidenote: I smirk to myself every time I say that because I use that word so often now].
I know what the bible says but I do not agree. My research and reflection have made me question whether the bible is truly infallible. Let me phrase that better; I don’t think that it is the most absolute guide on how we, as christians, must regard women, queer people and minorities. I know this is up for debate and I’m very open to discussion but let me also add this: all those years before, even before accepting my orientation, I had problems with these issues. Something about it just doesn’t feel right. But now, my stance on the issues of social justice feel right (even if I have to question myself from time to time).
These issues aside, I just feel very distant from God. Even without the worries about my queer status, I am still a bad Christian. I don’t attend church because I feel apathetic towards doing so (also see: me finding most Christians problematic). I hardly read the bible. I don’t pray that often any more – it’s once a day if I can even bother to remember. When I do, I ask for God to forgive my sins (while fully intending to sin again); I ask God to protect my family and bless them; and I give (basic) thanks. I don’t even ask God for things I want any more because I feel unworthy. As if God is a peer with whom I’ll feel that I owe if I attempt to ask for anything.
The root of my problem is kind of rooted in the sexuality thing, I feel. Can I really attempt to get closer with God again with my orientation being as it is? I don’t know. I am riddled with doubt and I can’t seem to get past that.
I am afraid and I don’t really know how to move forward – I haven’t for a while. I want to become a spiritual person again. God is important to me. Jesus Christ is important to me. My faith is important to me. I want to find my salvation again – I need to.
PS: Any comments/advice are appreciated! I’d love to hear from you.